For a few days last year, I was laid up with a stomach ailment requiring constant proximity to a toilet. Without much to do between visits to the “chunder chamber,” I passed the time in bed listening to music reminding me of happier days when I had a unidirectional digestive tract. A Beatles song called Good Day Sunshine happened to come up in the rotation, and the vibe was so pleasant that I set my playlist to “Beatles only”. It was nice for a while, but just as Twist and Shout came up, I had to run to the restroom again to “retch and ralph”.
Many people profess to be Beatles fans, but behind their serene Let It Be facades, there is a dark schism tearing at their souls, known as the Lennon-McCartney split. Rabid Beatles fans have conflicting opinions as to who wrote the best songs: Paul McCartney or John Lennon. Suppose you’re among people who identify as Paul McCartney fans—we’ll call them “Maccas”—and you say “I prefer John Lennon.” While outwardly remaining magnanimous, Maccas are apt to label you as unsubtle and dogmatic. On the other hand, if you are among “Lennies” and you say “I prefer Paul McCartney,” they are likely to dismiss you as shallow and inferior. It’s hard to say why this happens, but Paul fans seem smug in considering themselves broad-minded—in keeping with McCartney’s eclectic writing style (he wrote both the clarinet-based show tune When I’m 64 and the heavy metal Helter Skelter). John fans, however, might say that anyone who doesn’t absolutely prefer Lennon’s songs is simply too intellectually feeble to understand them. After all, it takes the wisdom of turtles to figure out what I Am the Walrus is about.
As many of you have guessed already, the secret to silencing both camps is to say, “I prefer George Harrison.” Lennies will get moody because they know George was more spiritually “deep” than John. And Maccas, while appreciating your “third way” thinking, will quietly claim victory anyway because they assume that Paul taught George everything he knew about songwriting. It actually works out to be kind of like a rock-paper-scissors game: John defeats Paul, Paul defeats George, George defeats John. But if you say “Ringo”, the fourth Beatle, you’re out of the game.
How important were John and Paul? Well, if we were to delve into a bit of irrelevant logical anachronism, we’d see that as many as 27 Catholic popes were named either John or Paul. (Two were even named John Paul!) However, none, to date, have been named George or Ringo. Ironically, though, Ringo Starr portrayed Pope Gregory in the 1975 film “Lisztomania”, which was a sendup of Beatlemania set in the 1840s. Similarly, many prominent European kings were named George and John, and one or two were even named Paul...but again, no King Ringos. However, the actor John Wayne played the Ringo Kid in the famous 1939 western film Stagecoach. To summarize, the Walrus was John, John (Wayne) was the Ringo Kid, and Ringo was the Pope. And as many Beatlemaniacs contend, Paul was actually dead much of the time.
On the subject of celebrity life and death, people often speculate about whether there will ever be another band as globally significant as the Beatles. Well, I’m happy to tell you that two hours of furious digital data-snorting on the web have convinced me that not only is such a feat possible, but it has already happened. The Beatles have been resurrected as the world-famous boy band BTS. Not only is their name reminiscent of the Beatles (what they lack in vowels they make up for in band members), but their fame and influence are nearly as universal. Singer V is considered the most popular of the Stupendous Seven, even though, as part of a publicity stunt, he was literally hidden away as a “secret member” and prevented from attending photo ops. “Paul is dead,” anyone? Meanwhile, rapper RM may well possess the magnetism and wit of his predecessor John Lennon. Who can forget how he outraged the Korean music establishment and fans by proclaiming that he and his bandmates were “more popular than Psy?”
On top of that, individual members like j-hope and Jimin have released singles on their own with the full blessing of the band, just like...wait a minute. The solo singles idea came from KISS, not the Beatles. I sometimes get the Fab Four and the Facepaint Four mixed up. It sure would be something, though, if a few BTS members were to emulate KISS and breathe fire or spit fake blood on stage now and then. Maybe I’d start paying more attention to them—but never with an upset stomach.
