Pirates of the Caribbean 8: End of the Line, Please
Under the spell of a magic barnacle, the entire world is transported to an alternate reality in which right and wrong are reversed. In this bizarre parallel existence the evil British navy are serving the role of bringing law, order, and civilization to the West Indies, while the once romantic hero pirates are instead engaging in acts of anarchy, thievery, and cold-blooded murder. After several thrilling misadventures together, Jack, Elizabeth, and Will reach the conclusion that the world they are currently living in makes more sense than the fanciful one they were in before. Abandoning their effort to resolve the dilemma, they all live happily ever after—except for Jack, who is arrested and hanged.
Toy Story 6: Conquest of the Planet of Toys
After suffering generations of slavery and abuse, the world’s toys—led by the intelligent, charismatic, and rubbery Stretch Armstrong doll—take up arms against their human hosts. In a chilling apocalyptic climax, Armstrong stands over the beaten body of the UN secretary general as hordes of victorious torch-wielding toys look on, and shouts, “Your mother told you a thousand times to clean up your room! But did you? DID YOU?!?”
Fishing Fool’s Diary (釣りバカ日誌) Vol. 35: Space Koi-boys
Retirees Suu-san and Hama-chan convert their fishing boat into a commercial space vehicle and charge exorbitant sums to carry eccentric millionaires into orbit. There are many hilarious encounters with the passengers, including five “falling overboard” gags and two or three highly improbable love pursuits involving young women whose combined ages hardly add up to half those of our heroes.
Antarctica 2: Cold Reception
Thought to have frozen to death along with all 200 of the other colonists at the end of the 3-hour sfx extravaganza Antarctica 1 (net loss ¥35,000,000,000), Betty Blueface is miraculously found alive in Glendale, California, where she regains her memory and resumes her mission to locate the ancient civilization of Frigidaire. Three and a half hours and two directors later, she manages to find a snowshoe in a tar pit, at which time creditors force the film to end.
Nodame Cantabile (のだめカンタービレ) 4
An ambitious young orchestra conductor, against his better judgment, falls in love and elopes with a second-chair clarinetist during the 3rd movement of Mahler’s 5th Symphony. The couple not only have to contend with the social stigma of their unorthodox marriage, but must also face an angry audience who refuse to leave the theatre unless they are given either ticket refunds or wedding gifts. An attempt to work zombies into the storyline fails miserably.
Star Wars 3.5(beta)
This film is a trial version intended for Star Wars experts trying to work out the bugs and continuity problems among the six films in the saga. The evil Empire is stooping to new lows, forcing its subjects to accept a revisionist history of the galaxy despite obvious story lapses and jarring shifts in quality of presentation. A youthful Luke Skywalker is skipping school and taking acting lessons, while Obi-wan Kenobi hides in the desert perfecting his abilities in the suspension of disbelief. Meanwhile, Darth Vader—remembered fondly by some folks as that nice orthodox Jedi boy Anakin who lived down the street—rises through the Imperial ranks to become Minister of Military-grade Magic. By hanging himself upside down in antigravity boots for two hours a day he also manages to add 30cm to his height. Sadly, although medical technology can replace his injured arms and legs with perfectly functioning biomechanical prosthetics, nothing can be done about his face, and the mask must stay on, even while showering.
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